This is mainly for Carl and Nancy, since they aren't going to get to hear my holiday joke song this time. Just imagine the jokes set to music....
Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because spleens would look pretty gross!
What did one light bulb say to the other?
“I love you a whole watt!”
Why didn’t Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer’s heart?
Because even Cupid can’t hit a target that small!
"A: Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
B: Sure, they're very scent-imental! "
"A: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
B: Because it's all heart."
"A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, man standing at the counter placing "Love" stamps on red envelopes with hearts all over them. Then he takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying all over them.
The boy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says,
"I'm sending out 2,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
But why?" asks the boy.
I'm a divorce lawyer, "the man said"
"What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?"
"A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a golden ring for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
You'll know tonight." he answered
That evening, the man came home with a small box and gave it to his wife. She opened it and find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
Groucho Marx.
What did one oar say to the other?
"Can I interest you in a little row-mance?"
What do you get when you kiss a dragon?
Third degree burns!
Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!
What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"
What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"
Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A: Hogs and Kisses!
Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
A: “Be my valenstein!”
Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Boy: “Really?”
Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!”
Q: What do you call a very small valentine?
A: A valentiny!
What would you get if you crossed a dog
with a valentine card?
A card that says, “I love you drool-ly!”
What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine’s Day?
“I find you very attractive.”
Q: What did one melon say to the other melon on Valentines day?
A: It’s a pity we cantaloupe.
Q:What did the mushroom say to her Valentine's date?
A:He's a fungi
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a
candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky
to get a card
“A Redneck Valentine”
Yore hair is like cornsilk,
A-flapping in the breeze,
Softer than Blue's,
And without all them fleas.
